Here's to you, 2009

Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder cries out at the end of "Yellow Ledbetter," "I don't know whether I'm a boxer or the bag." After watching a team with a payroll exceeding $135 million get blugeoned by the worst team in baseball, that's a rather appropriate question.

[Worth noting: "Yellow Ledbetter" stands as one of the most unintelligible songs ever written. That line could very well deal with a grocer asking a customer, "would you like these olives in a box or a bag?" So takes that line, paragraph, and the rest of this article with a grain of salt.]

This isn't a column on lyrical interpretation, though. This is a column proclaiming Eddie Vedder as the poet laureate of Cubdom. Vedder visited Len and Bob in the booth last night and penned a quick verse for the night's debacle. In fact, no one line captures the past one hundred years, as well as the future, as the closing argument ended his stay with:

"I might lose hope but I know I won't"

A week ago it would have been premature to announce that Cubs need to start making vacation plans in October. Today, different story. Shellackings at the hands of the Washington Nationals do that.

In other words, pack up the peanuts and find the mothballs for the foam fingers. The Wild Card and the division are out of reach for a team that gets swept by the Phillies, pummeled by the Padres, drops two winnable games in LA to a reeling Dodgers team, and gives up 15 runs to a team that misprints its name on its own jerseys.

Sorry Eddie. Hope for 2009 is lost, and hope for 2010 requires a second mortgage to take your family to a game. It's time to reevaluate.

So, with just over a month left in the season, let's stick a match in the Hot Stove and get the party started. This winter's topics include, but are not limited to:

Jim Hendry: Plain and simple. There are changes that need to be made, and if Hendry is willing to make them, he stays. He fleeced the Pirates in 2003 on his way to the NLCS and built a two-time Central Division champion. Yes, he made mistakes, but the positives outweigh the negatives. Hendry deserves 2010 to prove that this team isn't irreparable.

Lou Piniella: This one is a bit trickier. The man is a great manager - remember moving Sean Marshall to left field to outmaneuver Tony LaRussa? But he looks like he's lost the fire, and that's something that this club needs. Give Piniella some time to consider his options. If he stays, he needs to prove to Hendry and the new ownership that he's still invested. If not, then consider Alan Trammel. I would to see Sandberg at the major league level, but give him another year, preferably as a member of Trammel's staff.

Carlos Zambrano: Big Z's situation is about as troubling as someone covering The Ronettes classic tune "Be My Baby" (the credit there goes to Maroon 5). You have an ace in Zambrano. You have a guy that posted a 2.75 ERA in 31 starts in 2004, is still under 30 and plays with more fire than any two Cubs combined. The flip side is too disconcerting to ignore though. He's never won 20 games in a season, hasn't finished a season with an ERA under 3.91 since 2006, and continues to suffer from strange injuries and 90s boy band frosted tips. In other words, it's time to go. In a pitching-thin market, Zambrano should be a hit. At least see what you can get for him.

Alfonso Soriano: There are two options. Hire a baseball psychologist and give him one more season, or trade him. If that involves eating salary, fine. While Sam Fuld will never be the hitter that Soriano could be, I would much rather see him in left field. Hustle and passion can go a long way, especially in a tandem that involves Jake Fox's bat.

Rich Harden: It'll be costly, but he's been great down the stretch. Similar to Zambrano, he possesses the stuff to be an ace. It's his injury status that causes concern. Are we looking at another Mark Prior? Maybe. Still, he's under 30, has made 33 starts the past two season combined with the Cubs (so far), and has been the best starter down the stretch. Is he worth the $50-$60 million he'll command? Yes.

The Bullpen: I'll keep this brief. Aaron Heilman must go. Return Kevin Gregg to sender. Hire that same baseball psychologist for Carlos Marmol. Bring up Andrew Cashner. That's a start.

Commercial Heaven

Seeing Year One made me about as happy as the Cardinals going DeRosa-Pujols-Holliday in the middle of their order. Jack Black? I'm just not a big fan of having every line yelled at me. Michael Cera? Turned in a lackluster performance as Michael Cera. Paul Rudd and Bill Hader? Underused, underappreciated, and altogether unloved.

Olivia Wilde? Smoldering. But that's enough Year One for one lifetime.

I mention this movie for two reasons: it huants me nightly, and it involves cavemen. But instead of talking about things that make me break into a cold sweat while I sleep [see: abduction courtesy of Kathy Bates], I'm here to talk about cavemen.

You see, I'm head over heels for the Cavemen commercial with the 3 Doors Down song playing in the background. Absolutely giddy over it. You know, the "I just caught a game-winning home run ball in the bleachers, turned and kissed the beautiful girl sitting next to me and wound up marrying her" kind of love.

(There. You see, I made that thought relevant to baseball.)

The odd thing is, I can't stand 3 Doors Down. And the Cavemen are about as funny a modern-day Eddie Murphy. But together?

It's a cringe-worthy kind of beautiful.

Derrek Lee Parties Like It's 2005

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2009 Chicago Cubs.

Finally.

The team formerly known as the Chicago Orphans has found a home as one of the hottest teams in baseball over the past week, taking a series against the Pirates, a crucial four-game series against the Brewers, and last night's match-up with the Braves.

Also returning to action is cult hero Aramis Ramirez, who Cubs fans have pegged as the savior of the franchise, the curer of the swine flu, and the man most likely to broker an everlasting peace between Terrell Owens and Trent Edwards. Next up: rumor has it he's arbitrating the contract negotiations between the Vikings and Packers.

Baby steps Aramis, baby steps.

Cult-status hero worship aside, the starting rotation extended their June dominance into July with Rnady Wells, All-Star Ted Lilly, Carlos Zambrano and Ryan Dempster all turning in solid outings.

Also joining the pack on the praise-worthy bus is a resurgent Derrek Lee. Showing the same ability to drive that ball that nearly brought him the MVP in 2005, Lee is not-so-quietly asking us to reconsider our All-Star ballots. Over the past six games, Lee has five home runs, 14 RBI and single-handedly outscored the Brewers 7-5 during their July 2nd showdown.

Outside of Lee's glamor numbers, it's worth noting when these knocks have been coming. Lee's home run in the series opener against Atlanta came in the first inning with a man on base. Too often this season, the starters have had to work with early one or two run deficits.

Randy Wells, anyone?

Ironically, Wells was the beneficiary last night, cruising through six innings of two-run ball, good enough to lower his ERA to 2.48 and give him his fourth straight win. Wells has been outstanding all year, and his past two outings have made him the staple of this rotation. In addition, Lee's early heroics are only going to strengthen the resolve of an already fantastic rotation outside of Wells.

Thankfully, the theme of timeliness doesn't end there though. Mike Fontenot and Wells singled (yeah, this kid really wants to win games after his start to the season) and were followed by a Kosuke Fukudome double that plated Fontenot (by the way, doesn't Kosuke look great in the lead-off spot?). Theriot legged out an infield single, and with Wells going full-steam towards home to score the Cubs' fourth run, the Cubs rode Wells and the bullpen to another win, their sixth in eight games.

That brings us to the Milton Bradley portion of the column. Bradley is only 3-for-his-last-10 with one home run, but those aren't the numbers that jump out at me. Over the past six games, Bradley has walked nine times with only three strike outs. When we signed Badley, I never envisioned a power hitter looking at 25-30 home runs or 90 RBI, but a guy who got on base for the the Lees, Ramirezes and the Sotos of the world.

If Bradley is going to continue getting on base, Lou needs to consider moving him to the two-spot in the order, because this guy is capable of scoring runs - something that will come in handy when Ramirez fights for his role of franchise savior over the next two weeks.

"I'm sure you get this a lot, but is this really Ceasar's Palace?"

"For weeks, the refrain about the struggling Cubs has been the same: 'Despite it all, they're still only X games out of first place.' That has gotten very, very old. It says more about a weak NL Central than it does about the Cubs. This is not the story of a scrappy team fighting to stay in the race. This is the story of a bloated, underachieving team that hasn't been able to right itself."
--Rick Morrissey, Chicago Tribune

Alright, let's handle this as maturely and as calmly as possible. Morrissey is right. Jim Hendry is wrong. The Cubs are a combustible, underachieving team incapable of overcoming mediocre talent in a winnable division. But there's been enough sadness in the world recently, so I'm going to look at this through a slightly-tinted lens. I'm going to drink the Kool-Aid.

Ladies and gentlemen, Zach Galifianakis.

For those of you behind the curve with the summer's funniest movie, and I doubt there are many of you, allow me to introduce you to a YouTube Godsend. And with that, away we go:

Tuesday evening's affair didn't do much to quiet the frenzy growing on the North Side, as the Cubs dropped a winnable game to a Pirates team that gave them every opportunity to win. Ted Lilly pitched well, going seven innings and allowing three runs. However, he committed two costly mistakes with a wild pitch and a fielding error that allowed the first run to score. Things didn't get much better for Theodore when Geovany Soto doubled with one out in the 5th and was stranded there.

(Too depressing? I thought so. This one's for you Ted.)

The crushing blow came in the 8th when the the Pirates pulled Ohlendorf. Theriot rekindled his desire to go to the opposite field and lead off with a single. Milton Bradley, still searching for his clubhouse camraderie, came on to pinch hit and delivered a pinch-hit single. Followed up with an error, the Cubs had runners on second and third without an out.

By now, you know how the story goes.

Soriano went down swinging. Kosuke Fukudome was caught looking. And Derrek Lee grounded out to second. Hello offensive futility, welcome home.

(Ouch. Again, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. This one's for you AND Milton Bradley, who may need it even more. This will help.)

The gut-wrenching, thought-provoking material doesn't end there though. The Cubs lost to the Pirates, a team that continues to blow itself up with no excusable explanation. Last year, the Bucs traded away Jason Bay in a move that made some sense, given what they received in return. But they topped the move on the stupidity index this year by trading away promising All-Star Nate McClouth, the speedy Nyjer Morgan, utility-man Eric Hinske and reliever Sean Burnett. One of the best double play combinations in the majors, Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez, might not be far behind. The Pirates have a public mutiny on their hands, which is almost too hard to watch.

(Then again, it's not as embarrassing as seeing a movie with your mom that has this.)

Losing one game to the Pittsburgh Pirates isn't the end of the world. The end of the world involves losing your best friend in Vegas after taking Rufis. But losing a game to a team with a depleted roster, limited faith in management (to put it kindly), and the belief that "you could be packing your bags next" doesn't make sense. To only coax one BB and fail to touch home plate, that's about as ridiculous as claiming Tigers prefer pepper over cinnamon. Here's to apparent ataff ace Randy Wells encountering some better luck with his start tonight.

So you see, that's how you deal with the unfortunate tumult of the Chicago Cubs.

Zach Galifianakis, thank you for quelling the blow.

Don't Freak Out, But...(Part II)

Welcome back to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

To recap: A young, post-graduate struggles through one of the most tumultuous periods in recent American history by pinning an alarming amount of his hopes on a continuously disappointing baseball team, a staggering move that will lead to an incalculable amount of devastation OR verify that there truly is hope in faith, even in a universe that allowed

Call it naivete. Call it idiocy. Just don't call it sanity.

Enough though, there is fun to be had in Pittsburgh. My dad used to tell me that to be a contender in college basketball, you had to win all of your home games and at least 50% of your road games. A similar philosophy is certainly applicable here, especially when dealing with the Pittsburgh Pirates. In 2008, the Cubs went 14-4 against the Bucs, winning their first seven games of the season series. To catch the St. Louis DeRosas, the Cubs are going to have to replicate that feat.

Rich Harden helped right the ship with a 3-1 victory, throwing seven strong endings that ended with a fabulously turned double play. Milton Bradley emerged from his hole long enough to go 2-4 with an RBI double. Ryan Theriot's season-long power surge continued, with the LSU alum rekindling thoughts of how far you can send a ball with an aluminum bat with his 3rd inning solo shot.

The real star was Harden though, as the beleaguered starter had his longest outing since May 6 in Houston. Impressively, Harden held the free-swinging Pirates to one BB, an area he has struggled with as of late. Coupled with nine strikeouts, Harden was the key in a game (and a series) that the Cubs have to have. While the rotation has been one of the strong points this season, given the recent struggles of Mount Zambrano, the Cubs NEED Harden to show off his 2008 form after his acquisition from the A's.

The game also saw a starting pitcher go seven innings, Carlos Marmol throw a perfect eighth, and Kevin Gregg throw a perfect ninth. For those of you keeping score, that's what management intended when they left Spring Training. Somewhere, Lou Piniella's heart is rejoicing.

It's also worth discussing Theriot and Bradley. After his early-season chat with Lou Piniella, Theriot has tried hitting for more power, and his power numbers have been off of the charts when compared to his career numbers. However, Theriot's greatest strength has gone by the wayside, as he struggles to go to the opposite field. That was what made Theriot such a dangerous hitter; he was a sniper with a bit, always able to move runners over from second to third or come through with the big single when the Cubs needed it. Now, he's pulling out of his swing, taking his eyes off the ball, and running the risk of sending disks in his back into the upper deck with such a jerky motion.

While the home run is far more glamorous, and last night's was certainly gorgeous, for Theriot not only to remain with the Cubs but in the majors, we need him to redevelop the same approach that had him leading the team in batting average last season.

That brings us to Bradley. Milton Bradley is going to hit. He's going to get on base. That doesn't mean that he's going to recreate what he did last year in Texas, but the man is too good of a hitter to have this kind of season. Now that it's out that he isn't the most sociable Cub, this team is going to make a greater effort to welcome him, I guarantee it. You would have to be a fool to think that you can win without Bradley's best at the plate, and his best trumps every right fielder we've had since He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (oddly enough they both wear No. 21). Whether's it's Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano, or one of the other presumed clubhouse leaders, there will be a greater effort to make Bradley feel welcome. Once he's more comfortable, he'll start hitting. And once that man starts hitting, Wrigley Field will treat him like a king. It's baseball's version of the domino effect.

The Cubs resume play with Ted Lilly on the mound. Lilly has been a huge stopper the past two years, and while we're not coming off of a loss, this is still must win territory. Rumor has it Aramis Ramirez is rejoining the team soon, and with the team only sitting 3.5 games back in the division, this is the perfect moment to steal some ground.

Don't Freak Out, But...

In the universe’s fun fashion of tricks and turns, I need the Chicago Cubs. I need the team that sits 3.5 games out of first place in a tight division. I need the team that is two games under .500, handed the White Sox the weekend series, and now has to watch Mark DeRosa suit up as a Cardinal.

I need the underachievers to overachieve for once.

Graduating from college and suffering through unemployment proved to be an inevitable fate, as did a mid-season swoon. The fact that they coincided is about as entertaining as watching a colonoscopy in HD. But as fun as this mid-season colonoscopy is, I need it.

Oh, the trying times of a young American man. Cue Nebraska-era Springsteen.

The only predictability in my life comes in the form of a dysfunctional baseball team. Fittingly, this team is predictably unsettling. There's the question marks surrounding Aramis Ramirez's return, Carlos Zambrano routinely resembling a Michael Bay action sequence, Milton Bradley's descent into "Worst Signings of 2009," Kevin Gregg's entrance into a witness protection agency by the All-Star Break, Rich Harden's disappearance (which unsurprisingly coincided with the NHL Playoffs and seems to have come with a Playoff hangover), The Curious Case of Lou Piniella, and finally the offensive power outage, courtesy of everyone not named Derrek Lee. And that's just scratching the surface. Now we have to deal with DeRosa as a Cardinal.

Cue Charlie Brown's Christmas theme.

Alfonso Soriano hasn't homered since June 7 and is hitting a paltry .235. Lee leads the team with an unastoundding 39 RBI. Reigning ROY Geovany Soto may be turning the corner, but he's only hitting .223 with 7 home runs. That doesn't even begin to cover situational or timely hitting, categories the mashers aren't contributing to in a positive fashion either.

But before you break out grandpa's cough medicine or buy into Ozzie Guillen's clamor, consider this: on June 2, 2007, the Cubs lost their sixth game in a row and sat nine games under .500. The Cubs rebounded the next day with a 10-1 win over Atlanta, but the most memorable moment from that series came the game before when Lou serenaded the umpiring crew with one of his infamous tirades. The move seemingly took the pressure off of the Cubs and acted as a catalyst for the rest of the season. What the catalyst will be in 2009, or if one actually exists, remains uncertain. The point is, despite what happened with the White Sox, this season is far from over.

Welcome to life as a naive Cubs fan. But that's part of the game. It boils down to a combination of numbers and an outrageous amount of faith. Sometimes that's all it takes, an outrageous amount of faith, even when odds that seemingly favor Dusty Baker are stacked against you. Hope, faith, and Old Style.

Mankind has gotten by on worse.

Anemia: The Study of an Offense

Anemia is defined as "any condition in which the number of red blood cells, the amount of hemoglobin in 100 mL of blood, and/or the volume of packed red blood cells in 100 mL of blood are less than normal."

Clearly, doctors are omitting one critical sympton.

While 13 hits and one run over a two-game span doesn't register on WEbMD as anything fatal, it certainly isn't considered healthy. The Cubs dropped two straight to the Reds, a 3-0 duel between Theodore Lilly and Johnny Cueto, as well as a 7-1 spanking that came complete with another Milton Bradley controversy.

Where to begin?

Superb pitching deserves to be rewarded. Theodore was masterful over seven innings, allowing only an unearned run that came on a throwing error that he made in the third. More importantly, he didn't walk a man [take notes bullpen. That goes for you too Kevin Gregg]. Lilly has never opened a season 3-0, which leads me to believe that the Cubs vied for upholding tradition over protecting the standings.

Then again, with the way Cueto was throwing, we didn't have much of a chance.

Cincinatti's young righty matched Lilly inning for inning, allowing only four hits without issuing a walk. While his arm is eligible for an AARP card as a result of the Dusty Baker school of pitching, in Dusty-We-Trusty is getting a lot of miles out of his 23-year old phenom.

David Weathers, our KEY midseason acquisition to help us with the stretch run in 2001, relieved Cueto after seven. Weathers and Francisco Cordero closed the door on the game. These games are going to happen; it's a long season. But two games in a row is a bit hard to swallow, especially when your vaunted offense is expected to help mask a floundering bullpen.

Thankfully for the Cubs, the series finale was dwarfed by the embarrassment that took place at the United Center on Thursday [talk about a rough day for the city of Chicago]. Carlos Zambrano took the mound, entering with 5-0 record and a 0.97 ERA in his last five starts against the Reds.

Well, 5-1 doesn't sound that bad. Does it?

Zambrano was solid through six, giving up only two runs. His downfall came in the seventh after the Cubs picked up a run to make it 2-1. Zambarno, aided by a Micah Hoffpauir error, gave up two more runs. That was all the Reds would need to put the game out of reach. Aaron Harang was nearly as good as Cueto, but he certainly gave the Cubs the opportunities they needed to win this game.

Call it poor execution. Call it a hangover from the "Night of the Curses." Call it what you will.

Milton Bradley will call it a witch hunt. Bradley began to sink just a little bit deeper into hot water, reporting to the Chicago media that they were out to villianize him, and Lou Piniella's benching of Bradley didn't help matters. Bradley was given a seat because he isn't healthy. However, when the new guy is called into the manager's office 14 games into the season, heads begin to shake. Hopefully this is nothing more than a bump in the road, and Bradley will be back on the field in the next week.

Anemia isn't a funny topic, and neither is an offensive core earning $66.4 million with limited production. The Reds are better than in years past, but they're not cracking anyone's Top 10 anytime soon. These are the series you have to take if you're going to win a division, especially with St. Louis appearing to be a quality opponent [and have you seen that new Albert Pujols-ESPN commerical? That's quality].