"For weeks, the refrain about the struggling Cubs has been the same: 'Despite it all, they're still only X games out of first place.' That has gotten very, very old. It says more about a weak NL Central than it does about the Cubs. This is not the story of a scrappy team fighting to stay in the race. This is the story of a bloated, underachieving team that hasn't been able to right itself."
--Rick Morrissey, Chicago Tribune
Alright, let's handle this as maturely and as calmly as possible. Morrissey is right. Jim Hendry is wrong. The Cubs are a combustible, underachieving team incapable of overcoming mediocre talent in a winnable division. But there's been enough sadness in the world recently, so I'm going to look at this through a slightly-tinted lens. I'm going to drink the Kool-Aid.
Ladies and gentlemen, Zach Galifianakis.
For those of you behind the curve with the summer's funniest movie, and I doubt there are many of you, allow me to introduce you to a YouTube Godsend. And with that, away we go:
Tuesday evening's affair didn't do much to quiet the frenzy growing on the North Side, as the Cubs dropped a winnable game to a Pirates team that gave them every opportunity to win. Ted Lilly pitched well, going seven innings and allowing three runs. However, he committed two costly mistakes with a wild pitch and a fielding error that allowed the first run to score. Things didn't get much better for Theodore when Geovany Soto doubled with one out in the 5th and was stranded there.
(Too depressing? I thought so. This one's for you Ted.)
The crushing blow came in the 8th when the the Pirates pulled Ohlendorf. Theriot rekindled his desire to go to the opposite field and lead off with a single. Milton Bradley, still searching for his clubhouse camraderie, came on to pinch hit and delivered a pinch-hit single. Followed up with an error, the Cubs had runners on second and third without an out.
By now, you know how the story goes.
Soriano went down swinging. Kosuke Fukudome was caught looking. And Derrek Lee grounded out to second. Hello offensive futility, welcome home.
(Ouch. Again, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. This one's for you AND Milton Bradley, who may need it even more. This will help.)
The gut-wrenching, thought-provoking material doesn't end there though. The Cubs lost to the Pirates, a team that continues to blow itself up with no excusable explanation. Last year, the Bucs traded away Jason Bay in a move that made some sense, given what they received in return. But they topped the move on the stupidity index this year by trading away promising All-Star Nate McClouth, the speedy Nyjer Morgan, utility-man Eric Hinske and reliever Sean Burnett. One of the best double play combinations in the majors, Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez, might not be far behind. The Pirates have a public mutiny on their hands, which is almost too hard to watch.
(Then again, it's not as embarrassing as seeing a movie with your mom that has this.)
Losing one game to the Pittsburgh Pirates isn't the end of the world. The end of the world involves losing your best friend in Vegas after taking Rufis. But losing a game to a team with a depleted roster, limited faith in management (to put it kindly), and the belief that "you could be packing your bags next" doesn't make sense. To only coax one BB and fail to touch home plate, that's about as ridiculous as claiming Tigers prefer pepper over cinnamon. Here's to apparent ataff ace Randy Wells encountering some better luck with his start tonight.
So you see, that's how you deal with the unfortunate tumult of the Chicago Cubs.
Zach Galifianakis, thank you for quelling the blow.
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